I am sick of being fat. I have been fat my entire life. After being raped at the age of 15 I overate in order to compensate for how awful I felt.  I managed to put on a clean 20kgs. After being raped a second time at the age of 18 the overeating spiralled out of control. I added another 20kgs to the scales.

I ended up being a 160cm girl, weighing 116kgs.

My self esteem was at an all time low, and I started having heart palpitations when walking up hills. This was all at the young age of 20. I should have been having the time of my life at university. Instead, I was shopping at department stores, buying the largest size of stretchy waistband pants, as they were the only thing that would fit me.

My body was covered in stretch marks, and I felt as though even if I did manage to shift some of the weight, I would always look horrid anyway.

I still have no idea how this happened, but after gaining a new group of friends some weight started to shift. I have always been lazy. It wasn’t through healthy eating and exercising. Suddenly I had lost my appetite. I didn’t want to eat, so I didn’t.  I lost about 26kgs, and was down to 90kgs in about a year. Unfortunately that is where the ride ended. My appetite returned with gusto. I have managed to not gain too much weight, but it hovers between 90 and 99kgs these days.

I want my appetite gone again. I want to be able to shop in H&M. I want to not have to feel embarrassed when eating fast food. I don’t want to be paranoid that everyone from the pimply teen behind the counter to the mothers with their young children are thinking “oh she really doesn’t need that!”

So here is how I plan to do it. Unlike every other person who has succeeded in reaching their goals, and are now slim and enjoying the life that goes along with it, I am NOT going to eat healthy. I am NOT going to spend hours exercising, and I am not going to worry about the health repercussions of what I am doing.

I’m 24, I’m sure my body has heaps of time to recover from whatever I do during this reckless attempt to lose weight.

What I am planning on doing is abusing the drug BZP, and anything else which I think is a good idea at the time. BZP is sold as an ingredient in New Zealand’s “party pills”.  These legal alternatives to hard drugs were originally designed as a weight loss tool, and are reported to have an impact on the appetite. We shall see.

Unfortunately I don’t have a set of scales at home, which is going to make this hard to keep track of, but I will update with my weight at every opportunity. At the moment I am sitting at 95kgs. I am not expecting this to work, as everyone knows there is no such thing as an easy for being a fatty. I’m just desperate enough and lazy enough to give it a spin. Well, wish me luck, and stop in from time to time to see how I am getting along.